Pain

Hello, friends.  Well, if you were wondering if I had dropped off the face of the earth, the answer is yes.  It’s incredible to me how quickly I went from relatively normal to non-functioning and flat on my back due to my hip problems.  I say hip problems, but the problems only start there and extend to my legs, my back and my knees.

Chronic pain is an ugly, horrific beast that has most unwelcomingly invaded my life and brought along with it fear, depression, loss of appetite, weight loss, insomnia, headaches, stress, anxiety and nausea.  A nasty, nasty circle.

Some days, it was a struggle to just exist.  Luckily, I am feeling better right now.

I’ve been to acupuncture, physical therapy, to a rheumatologist, to my primary care doctor and to a pain management doctor.  I pretty much live at the doctor’s office.

These last few weeks have been the toughest of my life.  It was like a complete physical and mental breakdown.  Pain will break you and turn you into someone you don’t even recognize.  You can’t think. You can’t focus.  You can’t do anything.  You suddenly don’t care about anything, except getting out of pain.  All of your focus is on trying to feel better now and in the future.  And, then when you can’t eat or sleep on top of that — it is truly torture. It’s not hard to imagine why people experience anxiety and depression in this situation.

I was only able to go into work sporadically and even then I was a walking zombie and completely miserable.  I literally rolled off the couch without even brushing my hair to go to work.  I just didn’t care.

There were at least two times where I was thisclose to going to the hospital.  I just couldn’t take it.  Later my pain got better, but then everything else went haywire and I got sicker and sicker with the debilitating nausea.  As I got sicker, I wasn’t eating and was losing weight.  I lost 8 lbs in one week.  As it turns out, this was all thanks to Aleve.  As soon as I stopped taking it, I was a new person.  I wasn’t nauseated, I could eat, I wasn’t shaking, I could sleep better and the anxiety lifted.

Throughout all of this, I spent a lot of time in bed or on the couch.  I found a TV show to watch on Netflix, but then I realized I couldn’t watch it any more because it caused me to be more anxious.  I couldn’t really watch anything because I couldn’t really watch it…I couldn’t focus.  It was not distracting me at all.

So, I was left sitting in an empty room with nothing to do — either in pain, sick or both and usually a ball of nerves.  So, I did the only thing I could.  I prayed.  And, I prayed.  And, I prayed some more.  I read the bible.  I cried a lot. I talked to God and tried to understand.

I prayed for everyone else going through this.  I prayed for people with chronic pain. I prayed for cancer patients undergoing chemo and suffering debilitating nausea along with fighting for their lives.  I thought of the many ways that my situation could be worse.  I thanked God for my husband and my family.  My mom has been my saving grace.  She has taken me to the doctor, cooked for me, encouraged me to eat one Cheerio at a time, let me cry on her shoulder, replaced my ice packs, brought me things, took care of my house and while I’ve been out of commission, she has continued preparing for the babies.  My dad has been working day and night to get our house ready doing lots of projects with Erick’s help.

I don’t know why I have to go through this.  There doesn’t have to even be an answer or if there is, I may never know.

But, you know how they say that God works in mysterious ways? Well, I believe it.

I am thankful that I personally am not pregnant in this situation. Can you believe that I would EVER say that?!? I would be a total disaster if I were — 1. the pressure on my pelvis would cause even more intense pain  2. I wouldn’t be able to receive pain relieving treatments or meds  3.  Late term or giving birth could have resulted in both hips dislocating or breaking.

So, God made it possible for me to have children anyway.  Against all odds and with my best interest in mind.  Amazing.

But, he had to make me infertile to do so.  I learned to live with my infertility and accept it.  But, until now I would have said I wish I could have gone back and changed things.  I didn’t totally accept it.  Now?  I think I fully accept it and graciously as it provided me the opportunity to grow with God and it brought Nicole into my life.

And, here’s the other interesting thing.  If it weren’t for going through infertility, I would have never known that I have a clotting disorder (Factor V Leiden).  This is extraordinarily important to know for my upcoming surgery.  This could majorly impact surgery and recovery and is crucial to be aware of, prepare for and treat.  It could save my life.

Two friends shared these verses with me today and I love them.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Right now, I am so thankful to be feeling better and managing the pain.  I appreciate everything so much more.  I am headed to Boston this week with my mom for a consult with one of the best hip dysplasia surgeons in the country, Dr. Michael Millis, at Boston Children’s.  I’m hoping for clarity at this appointment and hoping that we can finally move towards surgery and recovery.  Right now, things are not ideal with major surgery looming and the babies coming at the same time, but God (and my mom!) will take care of me.